Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Insomnia sucks.

It's already 10:33 a.m., which means I've been up four almost four hours, and I still haven't shaken that sleepy, hungover sort of feeling.
I'm not hungover. (Haven't had alcohol in a few days.)
I am sleepy though. I am sleepy because I got hardly any sleep last night.
I haven't been sleeping well for weeks. Since when? ...Since the end of our two-week summer vacation in late July. That makes sense. I got totally off schedule...
For a week or maybe two I treated it with medication. I took a minimal dose sleeping pill and went to bed early.
Then when I thought I had my schedule back, I tried sleeping without the Rx. (I don't want to take sleeping pills regularly, for lots of good reasons.) Happily, I was able to fall asleep relatively well the first day or two. Saturday I was reaallly physically exhausted and I slept better than I have in a long time.
Last night, not so much.
I did eventually get sleepy, put down my book, turn off the light, and fall asleep.
But I woke up when K. came in to bed.
And I was awake two hours later when the baby monitor started beeping in the living room to tell us that it was out of batteries... F*&%.
Which also woke up our son!
Who crawled into our bed, to be coaxed back to his bed with a trip to the washroom and two stories (well, one story, read twice).
Eventually I gave up tossing and turning and moved to the kitchen and then the couch where I read, until I got sleepy at 4:30.
Crawled back into bed at 4:30.
Heard my hubby reset the alarm clock before it went off. Cuddled up with him.
Was SOUND asleep when the alarm went off at 5:30. Slept until 6:30 when I had to get up and parent.
And have been trying to shake this foggy feeling ever since.
I know that I will shake it at about 8:48 p.m. this evening, just before I crawl into bed...

Insomnia sucks and I'm sorry that was SO long and boring but IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THEM! Thank you.

I guess if I am to learn from my own post, physical exhaustion might be a good place to start...
Chatelaine suggests walnuts... can I put them in a pastry?

Monday, August 27, 2012

"You do not have to change in order to love yourself." Some of the most obvious ideas are surprising.

Today, just an interesting quote from a post by Glennon Melton:
  1. You do not have to change in order to love yourself. You have to love yourself in order to change. That means embracing yourself completely, right now at this moment -as a bitter, scared, disorganized faithless mess. ...  We must stop loving ourselves conditionally. We MUST stop being such jerks to ourselves. We must treat ourselves how we’d like others to treat us.
  2. No one can have it all and people should just stop saying that already. I just listened to a woman give a speech the other day about how you CAN have it all. ...  I’m sure she meant well, but I kept thinking: you don’t have it all, lady. For example: you’re not a fisherman. Fishermen get up before sunrise and pull on their plastic gear and head out onto the bay before anyone in the whole world has woken up. They glide through the water and they sit, and they wait, and they work, and they watch the sun rise over the water and they say good morning to God first. And that is their slice of happiness. Made just for them. Not you, not her, not me.
How can ideas be both obvious and surprising?

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Childhood then and now

Then: Children talked to imaginary friends 'face to face'.

Now: Child talks to imaginary friend on imaginary cell phone, in the car.

(p.s. They talk about how things are going on the "job site".)

Friday, August 24, 2012


I'm short on time here, but I do feel compelled to write a follow-up to yesterday's panicky post.
First, just writing that post made me feel a little bit better. (Thank you internet.)
Second, it led me to do something else that made me feel a lot better. I finally opened up to my husband that I am having some doubts. That's it. Just doubts.
I'd been afraid to say anything for fear that he would reply, "Well, if you don't want to go then just don't go," to which I would have frostily replied, "I didn't say that I don't want to go; I just said I'm having doubts."
He didn't say that though. (Which just goes to show that it's better to talk to your spouse in person than in your own head.)
He said something like this:
"Try it out. If you don't like it stop. But I want you to try it so you don't have any regrets."
It was a very brief conversation, as are all conversations during dinner with a four-year-old. The entire conversation took place during the brief window between, "I have to pee and I want more milk," and "Mom! I need help!" at which point I ran off to help in the bathroom.
And yet this conversation made me feel much better. And very, very loved.

For the record, it's not the school itself that is worrying me.
Rather, it is the prospect of going to school for three years, which is a massive investment, only to potentially discover that I have chosen the wrong career, again. Shudder.
However, I have to have faith in my ongoing ability to judge this for myself. Studying will help me discern whether, as I believe, I will be good at this and I will enjoy it. It's one thing to read about a topic, or to engage in it for oneself; it is quite another to perform on command. So, we will see.

With that out of the way I have to admit that I am a liiiittle bit nervous about the schoolwork -- I have a lot of software to learn, and I will be jumping into classes alongside students in their third and fourth years of study. I remind myself that I have seven (!) years of post-secondary education, but none of it is relevant, with the possible exception of a half-course on Medieval architecture -- best grade ever; go figure.

Thursday, August 23, 2012


So, I've pretty much abandoned my blog. The usual reasons. Lack of time; too easy to get swept away in the internet once I go online... yeah, you know what I'm talking about; summer time...
I am experiencing something so unexpected and unwanted that I am throwing it out to the universe (well, the teeny tiny fraction of the universe which may read this post, anyway).
Here goes.
After years of cluttering up my life with things that might logically be organized in a home office, finally creating a home office, MONTHS OF PROCRASTINATION, and days of actively decluttering and organizing said home office, I AM ALMOST FINISHED! The end is in sight. There is just one more box to file away, and it contains stuff that I already sorted a few months ago but didn't file (telling, I know).
SO, I'm almost finished my most-dreaded decluttering job, and I feel... surprisingly... nauseous.
I should feel happy, but... my throat is swollen. Imagine if your throat were removed and replaced with a section of live boa constrictor. Exactly.
What gives?
Am I just anxious because it is time to pick up my son now and I haven't QUITE finished this job and my house is covered in paw prints and my in-law's are coming for supper tomorrow and, um, I start grad school in a brand new field in less than two weeks?
Um, yeah, maybe that has something to do with it.