The Other Side

This is about the other side of parenting. The side that makes me want to pull my hair out. The side that leads me to dislike myself. To ask, how can someone I love and adore so deeply leave me so frustrated? So unsure? So certain I'm doing it wrong but without any idea how to get it right.
Our son is 3. Almost 40 months, to be more precise. At this point, he rarely listens to me without multiple requests, threats, and/or promises.
I don't want to use threats or promises (i.e. bribes). I want him to be motivated, to be disciplined, to be cooperative. I don't want him to be browbeaten. I don't even want him, in the long run, to be subordinate, which may be part of my problem. He has mastered insubordinate.
Basically, I want him to do what I want him to do, without being forced to do so. That is so not happening, except for the rare occasions when what I want happens to coincide with what he wants.
I try to motivate him to want what I want, but really, at three, is he likely to want to brush his teeth? I don't even want to brush my teeth. I do, usually, because I understand the consequences of not brushing my teeth. So I inform him of the consequences of not brushing his teeth, I try to make it fun and enjoyable, I give him as much latitude as possible to do it himself without being completely ineffective, and I praise him whenever reasonably possible.
And yet we struggle over tooth-brushing and countless other opportunities for resistance.
I threaten time-outs, and I impose them when the threat (or warning, I suppose) doesn't produce the desired result.
I don't want my three-year-old to walk all over me, but I don't want to crush his spirit either. I seem to be skidding back and forth across this parenting highway.
I know that there are methods and rules that I could be following, but I'm reluctant to make J behave for all the wrong reasons. I'm afraid that he'll end up like his mom -- aiming to please, afraid to say no, lacking confidence, and seeking reassurance.
I remind myself that parenting didn't seem like such a struggle just a few short weeks ago. And the past few weeks I have been heavily occupied with other things. We also spent three nights last week bunking at my in-laws' place, which probably didn't do much for my parenting authority, among other things. In that light, he's probably craving good times with me as much as I am craving good times with him.
We can get back on track.

J's latest

Our little boy is growing in leaps and bounds.
His legs grew this summer and all his 2T pants were "suddenly" too short this fall. Shoes and skates too.
More excitingly, his mind is having a growth spurt.
Suddenly he can do all sorts of things he's been working on for the past year or so.
He can count! He's been working on counting to ten, with help and many mistakes, for about a year I think. Suddenly he's consistently and accurately counting to ten and beyond.
He can count objects on a page accurately. For a long time he threw in an extra object. Now he's got it. Last night he missed his place counting seven skinny chilly peppers, recognized it, accounted for it, and resumed counting accurately.
We are working on taking away -- if I have four left and I eat one then I have one left.
He recognizes his "hockey number" (that's seven) everywhere. Seven is J's hockey number because, "it looks like a hockey stick." (God help us if seven is taken when J starts to play organized sports.)
We are working on recognizing more number symbols.
J now knows that when we get ready for bed his hockey number is on the clock, and when the hockey number is gone it's past his bed time. I think this is helping him learn to understand clock time. We also talk about the fact that sometimes seven appears in the last digit, representing minutes, and that the number of minutes increases until the next hour, when the minutes start over.
J now sings the alphabet accurately.
None of this may be impressive for a boy his age (he's 39 months old). I stopped reading the What to Expect series some time before his first birthday so I lost track of the milestones a long time ago. His same-age friend reportedly sang the alphabet in french and English a long, long time ago. But I'm excited that J can sing the alphabet accurately now because he's been working on it for a long time and now he can do it all the way to the end.
He knows that his parents' names start with K and his name starts with J. He learned to recognize G and O around his second birthday, when we still read Goodnight Moon every single evening. We eventually dropped Goodnight Moon from the nightly selection, and stopped paying attention to G and O too, but now we're working on all the letters. I should go back to G and O and see if he still knows those ones. Probably.
He's progressing in other areas too.
Last night he ate an entire piece of fish using a fork and knife. He cut it all up for himself, with help just once. At one point a piece of fish went shooting across the table, and he didn't get upset about it.
He's a perfectionist, and that's a challenge for him, but I'm  reassuring him that it's okay, and that the important thing is that he keeps trying.
Yesterday evening he pulled out a big puzzle that we haven't looked at in months. He received this around his second birthday and we did it together at that time. Suddenly, he understands edges. I helped him a little bit at the beginning, coaxing him to try spinning it around, or, "how about over here?" Suddenly he was on a roll and he completed the second half of the puzzle independently. He was  totally engaged and having fun as he considered and fit each piece into place.
He had his first skating lesson and it was a complete success. He enjoyed it. Right there, it was a success in my books. He also did well. Not the very best in the class -- one boy skated to the boards hands-free, coached by his figure-skating mom -- but he did very well. Getting up, getting down, pushing a pylon, skating holding his dad's hand, and smiling. I'm so happy for him and grateful for his teacher and his father, my husband.
Suddenly he is drawing intentional and recognizable objects. A whole series of pumpkins, with stems, which he cut out very carefully and methodically. He has such high standards. A whale in chalk on the patio.
J's manners are really coming along. Lots of please, thank you, and you're welcome. We are working on, "I forgive you," but he tends to say both parts: "I'm sorry mom; I forgive you." Or, "I forgive you too, Mom," which is kind of sweet.
He calls me variously Mom, Mum, My mother (I'm not a fan of that one), Mumma, and Momma (Mama). Daddy is of course Daddy and sometimes Dad. Nana, Papa, and Grandpa or "Grampa".
He refers frequently to our late cat Riley, but that's a whole other post. He knows that Riley and Oma are in heaven. Twice he has asked, and this is heartbreaking, "When does Heaven close?" In other words, when are they coming home from Heaven?

The Rainbow Connection

Can't sleep. And can't resist a link to the always-engaging and often inspiring Mrs. Hall and the fabulous audiovisual clip she has posted here. Thank you Mrs. Hall, Mr. Henson, Ms. Harry, and Paul Williams and Kenneth Ascher who wrote the song. I'm going to listen to Debbie and Kermit sing it one more time and then I think I'll be able to sleep.

Yet more gratitude

How long can I write daily gratitude lists? And why? I already know I'm grateful for the little moments. I write these lists as fast as I can, so they're totally bare bones. But here goes.

1. My friend suggested that we take our kids to a farm, and we did. I would have just suggested that we meet at the playground, but the farm was perfect. It was a fabulous hot, sunny fall day. The kids were delighted and delightful. We patted bunnies and lambs. We climbed a hay-bale pyramid, twice. We got lost in a corn maze. We ate ice cream, then discovered it was 4:59 p.m., and went back for chicken fingers. Yes, just after the ice cream. J ate more than ever. It was a good day. It was a good day for friendship. 
2. Interesting bloggers. I read some interesting posts by honest writers The Kitchen Magpie, Angry Mother, and Mrs. Hall. I should have been doing something more productive, I think. There are lots of things I should have been doing. But this was interesting. They are interesting. Honest writing is thought-provoking and restorative. 
3. My cousin L, who keeps reaching out to me and telling it like it is. I have never known anyone to say so much in so few words.

More gratitude

1. Gorgeous fall colours!
2. A breakthrough moment in my Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction class.
3. J asked a grown-up for a diaper change in the midst of playing in the playground. His willingness to voluntarily stop playing for a diaper change gives me hope he'll eventually be willing to stop playing for potty breaks too. Yes, my three-year-old is not yet toilet-trained. Sometimes I'll be watching him play and he will suddenly throw his arms up in the air as boys do and his shirt will rise up and expose an inch of diaper around his little belly and it is so jarring. He is at that age where he is becoming such a big boy and yet he's still my baby too. Occasionally I call him, "Baby," and he says, "I'm not a baby," and I say, "No, you're not a baby anymore, you're a big boy, but you'll always be mommy's little baby too." He seems to be okay with this. Still, I'm glad we're making a little progress on the diaper front.

Another day's gratitude

1. More gorgeous early fall weather.
2. Our city and its park planners and donors for building the children's garden.
3. I took the initiative and got us out into the park for a picnic on one of the last evenings of summery weather. J and K embraced it. We all enjoyed our picnic, watching the fluffy squirrels race around the hummocks, looking for acorns in the oak leaves, and walking across the fallen tree. I loved spending the evening with my two favourite guys, in their matching NHL team shirts.
4. Yoga.
5. My husband's hockey knowledge. When we got home he got J to try on last year's skates, and determined that they're too small. So adorable to see our little boy standing in skates! They're going to buy a bigger pair tonight.

Daily gratitude

Today I'm grateful for:

1. My husband. I started a drawing class today. It feels crazy to sit and enjoy an art class, which he paid for since he's the one working, while he works so very hard! I love my husband. I am so fortunate. I am grateful for my husband every single today, but this particular day I'm grateful to him for enabling and even encouraging me to take this art class. I was absolutely focused and immersed throughout the class. Thank you honey.
2. The art teacher, for not being overly critical and for even finding room for praise in my absolute beginner drawings. 
3. An incredibly beautiful fall day. Sunny, breezy, hot, and shades of green and orange. Geese everywhere. Ducks coming in for landing, like little winged torpedoes. Amazing. (J and I went to the marsh at 4:30.)
4. Our son J. Again, I'm grateful for J every single day. Today, in particular, I'm grateful to him for letting me backpedal on McDonald's! He requested it; I had nothing planned for supper: I acquiesced. An hour later, driving home from the marsh, I persuaded him that we should just go home and have fish for supper instead. He said, "Okay mom"! I am grateful to him for being such a good boy. And for eating all his fish, most of his quinoa, most of the carrot he really did not want to eat, and all his red pepper pieces. And for deciding after a few minutes that he actually didn't like the blue lollipop that the barber had given him, and throwing it in the garbage.  
5. Two good parking spots in two nearly full lots. (I'm not, however, grateful for the exorbitant cost of parking. Or the two hour max on paid street parking anywhere in this town.)
6. Our dog Charley for a relatively peaceful walk all the way to the strip mall. J for getting into the swing of things and holding my hand when cars passed, and for stopping at intersections. And the pure joy of running with a three-year-old and a Spaniel -- Charley and I running up from behind J, raising the leash high over J's head, and passing J on either side; then letting J pass us; and doing it again and again and again, with laughter and smiles all around. 
7. Two dads, four boys, goalie pads, a pair of nets: driveway hockey.
8. Constructions workers who don't get weird when we sit in the car and watch them work. J loves to watch construction. This morning, it was a concrete driveway pour, with a sky-high pump truck.
9. A great drop-off at J's daycare. Mid-hug he started mumbling something. To my surprise, it was, "I want to play trains with J.B." Well, okay! J.B. was happy to share and they got busy right away. 
10. Another J moment: He picked up a footstool in the interpretive centre at the marsh and carried the footstool over to a display he recalled passing earlier, so he could get a better look. 
11. Happiness.
12. So sad, but so moving: "When does heaven close?" J continues to grieve for our cat Riley, and, less immediately, for my mother. He has asked this twice now, still hoping that Riley will come home when heaven closes, still grappling with the fact that Riley is not coming home. Who else is in heaven? The stick insects, who died at daycare. Riley passed away last December. My mother two years ago. The stick insects, this month. I suppose I'm not really grateful for this moment, but I don't want to forget it. It seems to say so much about J. 

Sweet dreams all. I miss you mom. I love you.